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Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Jul 15, 2019 at 15:01.

What to Do If You're Too Tired for Sex

What to Do If You're Too Tired for Sex

“I’m too tired” is the most common reason we turn down sex. (“I have a headache” is a close second.) My clients often tell me that they’re frustrated by how much their exhaustion gets in the way of their sex life. If you’re tired of being too tired for sex, here are long- and short-term strategies for bringing more energy into the bedroom.

Long-term strategies

Being too tired for sex can...

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin May 20, 2019. 13 comments

When Your Partner Has a Sexual Fantasy That You’re Not Into

When Your Partner Has a Sexual Fantasy That You’re Not Into

Sometimes it’s hot when your partner shares a particular fantasy or desire, but other times, your partner might tell you about a certain fantasy that you’re just not into. Maybe monogamy is important to you, and you can’t get on board with the idea of a threesome. Maybe you’re a sexual abuse survivor, and wouldn’t feel safe playing with restraints. Or maybe you’re just not turned on by the...

13 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin May 18, 2019. 10 comments

What To Do If Your Partner Won't Work On Your Sex Life

What To Do If Your Partner Won't Work On Your Sex Life

Between demanding jobs, financial stresses, kids, and busy schedules, it can be hard to find the time and energy to maintain an active and satisfying sex life. This challenge is made even worse by the fact that most couples believe that great sex should “just happen.” In other words: you shouldn’t have to put any effort into your sex life; the desire, time, space, and passion for sex should...

10 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin May 07, 2019. 10 comments

How to Get More Comfortable With Your Body

How to Get More Comfortable With Your Body

Almost everyone struggles with body image. Regardless of your actual size or shape, odds are that there’s at least one area of your body that bothers you. Your relationship with your body is a huge and complex (and political) topic, but there are plenty of practical, actionable ways you can start improving it.

Recognize that you’re your own worst enemy

I was recently complaining about a mild...

10 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Apr 23, 2019. 5 comments

How To Ask for Enthusiastic Consent

How To Ask for Enthusiastic Consent

The phrase “enthusiastic consent” has finally entered the mainstream lexicon. Consent means that you willingly agree to participate in a specific sexual activity, with a specific person, in a specific context. The idea behind enthusiastic consent is that you’re, well, enthusiastic about it. You’re not just agreeing to do it because you feel pressured to in some way; you’re genuinely excited....

5 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Mar 18, 2019. 10 comments

How to Give Feedback During Sex

How to Give Feedback During Sex

When I bring up the idea of giving sexual feedback to my sex therapy clients, I usually get met with a vigorous eye roll or an unhappy sigh. Most people are uncomfortable with the topic. I hear responses like, “Shouldn’t my partner just know what to do?” or “They can’t possibly think I like that.”

So many of us seem to hate the idea of communicating about our wants, likes, and dislikes during...

10 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Mar 11, 2019. 2 comments

How to Explore Prostate Play 

How to Explore Prostate Play 

Mention the word “prostate” around a group of men, and most of them will automatically think of embarrassing cancer-screening prostate exams performed by a doctor. But the prostate can be so much more fun that that! The prostate is home to a ton of nerve endings, can be a lot of fun to play with, and can create extremely powerful orgasms.

Before we go any further, let me address one common...

2 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Feb 12, 2019. 5 comments

How to Get Motivated to Work on Your Sex Life

How to Get Motivated to Work on Your Sex Life

You know your sex life isn’t great. You’ve had bad fights with your partner about the subpar state of your sex life. You’ve read magazines and articles online telling you to “have more sex” and “spice things up.” And yet, you just can’t bring yourself to make any changes. Read on to learn how you can finally find your motivation.

Know that you’re not alone

Most people feel incredibly alone...

5 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Dec 12, 2018. 4 comments

How to Help Your Partner Get More Comfortable Receiving

How to Help Your Partner Get More Comfortable Receiving

Many people have a hard time receiving time, attention, or stimulation in the bedroom. For so many of us, it can be easier to give than to allow ourselves to receive. If you’re with a partner who struggles to receive your attention in the bedroom, there are some ways you can help them relax and understand that they’re deserving of your focus.

Let’s be clear: your partner gets to make their...

4 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Nov 15, 2018. 10 comments

How to Tell a Partner They're Doing Something in Bed You Dislike

How to Tell a Partner They're Doing Something in Bed You Dislike

Do you remember the Bridesmaids scene where Kristin Wiig’s Annie is getting felt up by Jon Hamm’s Ted? He’s kneading her breasts as if they were dough, trying to prove that he’s a better lover than her fictional hook-up partner George Glass. It’s clear that Annie is hating every second. And yet, she says nothing.

Like Annie, many of us have a hard time speaking up in the bedroom, even if our...

10 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Oct 23, 2018. 17 comments

How to Give a Lazy Blowjob

How to Give a Lazy Blowjob
Evil WeekWelcome to Evil Week, our annual chance to delve into all the slightly sketchy hacks we'd usually refrain from recommending. Want to weasel your way into free drinks, play elaborate mind games, or, er, launder some money? We've got all the info you need to successfully be unsavory.  

In honor of Evil Week, I’m here to teach you how to give a lazy blowjob. First, some caveats: Penises...

17 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Oct 08, 2018. 22 comments

How Men Can Last Longer During Sex 

How Men Can Last Longer During Sex 
Your browser does not support HTML5 video tag.Click here to view original GIFGIF: Angelica Alzona (GMG)

Learning how to last longer in bed is one of the most common reasons why men seek out my sex therapy services. Just about every man worries about orgasming too quickly, regardless of the actual amount of time he tends to last. Fortunately, there are a few straightforward, actionable...

22 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Sep 24, 2018. 8 comments

The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

When you think about sexual desire, you usually only thing of one thing—craving sex. But there are actually two completely different types of sex drive: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Read on for the differences between the two, how to know which one you are, and what it means for your sex life.

Being mentally interested in sex vs. being physically ready for it

Before getting into...

8 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Sep 03, 2018. 18 comments

What to Do When Your Sex Drive is Low

What to Do When Your Sex Drive is Low
Your browser does not support HTML5 video tag.Click here to view original GIFGIF: Angelica Alzona (Gizmodo)

A reader asked this question during our live Q&A a few weeks back:

Is there anything that can actually be done about a lack of sexual desire in women? I was such a horny teenager and in my early 20s it was like a switch was flipped and it went to zero. I’ve been told all kinds of stuff...

18 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Aug 13, 2018. 14 comments

How to Enjoy a Threesome

How to Enjoy a Threesome

A while back, I wrote about how to set up a threesome . Today I’m going to talk about the nuts and bolts of how to actually enjoy your threesome in the moment. Even though threesomes are one of the most popular fantasies, they can be remarkably tricky to pull off. Adding a third set of boundaries, preferences, desires, and limbs can create a much more complicated reality than the fantasy you...

14 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Jul 20, 2018. 5 comments

Our Sex Columnist Answers Your Questions, Live This Friday

Our Sex Columnist Answers Your Questions, Live This Friday

Hello, After Hours readers! I’ll be hosting a live Q&A this Friday, June 15th, at 4 pm ET. You can ask your questions in the comments section (sign in with a burner account if you want to be anonymous!), and I’ll answer them live. I’m happy to answer any sex-related question you may have, such as:

Dealing with low libido
Learning how to orgasm
Navigating a fantasy
Learning a particular sexual...

5 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Jul 19, 2018. 21 comments

How to Deal With Penis Size Anxiety

How to Deal With Penis Size Anxiety

There are few topics that can evoke such widespread and intense anxiety as penis size. Just about every man—regardless of the actual size of his penis—worries about being too small. Here’s what you need to know about penis size, and what to do if you’re afraid your penis is smaller than “normal.”

The Numbers

First, let’s talk pure numbers. It’s difficult to determine the true average penis size...

21 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Jun 03, 2018. 23 comments

What to Expect Your First Time at a Sex Club

What to Expect Your First Time at a Sex Club

Most people’s only association with sex clubs are the creepy scenes from Eyes Wide Shut. But sex clubs can actually be quite varied, and a lot of fun.

Sex clubs are, like the name implies, clubs where people go to have sex. They’re often styled like a typical nightclub, with room for socializing and dancing, but usually include more private areas with beds and other props for sex play....

23 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin May 11, 2018. 2 comments

How to Have BDSM Sex That's Safe and Consensual 

How to Have BDSM Sex That's Safe and Consensual 

This week, New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman was accused by four women of physical assault during sex. Schneiderman responded by saying that the hitting, choking, and slapping he’s accused of were part of kinky “roleplaying.” All four women say they never consented to engage in these types of behaviors. (Schneiderman has since resigned from his position.)

Whether or not Schneiderman...

2 Comments

Vanessa Marin Vanessa Marin Apr 26, 2018. 4 comments

Do This Tonight: Play This Game To Be More Present During Sex

Do This Tonight: Play This Game To Be More Present During Sex

As fun as being intimate with a partner can be, it’s still pretty darned easy to zone out or get distracted mentally even in the moment. Here’s one easy game you can play to make staying present more fun, and more sexy.

How to Play Grown-Up “Red Light, Green Light”

Remember playing “Red Light, Green Light” as a kid? The general premise was that one person was running the show, and everyone else...

4 Comments

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