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Emily Alford Emily Alford 58 minutes ago.

Ryan Murphy Has Finally Gotten Around to Seeing Rushmore

Ryan Murphy Has Finally Gotten Around to Seeing Rushmore

When Ryan Murphy loves a classic movie very much, something special happens, and after a brief gestation period, a 50/50 genetic mashup of Murphy’s delightfully batshit, frenetic television sensibilities and the aesthetic of whatever movie he just saw is birthed unto the world. Show Ryan Murphy Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, and a year later, Feud is born. Rent him a few Kevin...

Emily Alford Emily Alford yesterday at 04:00.

RIP Marium, You Were Too Good for Us

RIP Marium, You Were Too Good for Us

Marium, Thailand’s celebrity dugong, has died at just eight months old after ingesting our garbage.

The orphaned dugong became internet-famous after videos showed her cuddling caregivers who painstaking paddled out to bottle feed and sing to her each day.

Last week, those caregivers found her listless and bruised. She died shortly after. An autopsy found bits of a plastic bag clogging her...

Emily Alford Emily Alford yesterday at 03:00.

Here Are Some Things I Imagine 'Thank U, Next' Perfume Might Smell Like

Here Are Some Things I Imagine 'Thank U, Next' Perfume Might Smell Like

I would like to preface this list by adding the disclaimer that I have not smelled Ariana Grande’s newest eau de parfum, Thank U, Next , nor have I smelled her original namesake perfume, Ari.

Grande, however, describes the newest fragrance, which is available starting today at Ulta, as a revisitation of “Ari’s fruity pear and raspberry notes” though says she “changed it up by adding some...

Emily Alford Emily Alford yesterday at 02:00.

Hundreds March In Mexico City to Demand Action Against Police Accused of Rape

Hundreds March In Mexico City to Demand Action Against Police Accused of Rape

Hundreds gathered in the streets of Mexico City on Friday to protest police violence and demand punishment for police officers accused of raping minors.

The march was in response to two separate cases that have made headlines recently. In the first, four police officers are accused of raping a 17-year-old girl in their patrol car in Azcapotzalco on August 3. The second involves another...

Emily Alford Emily Alford yesterday at 01:00. 1 comments

Mark Halperin Is Getting a 'Second Chance' Much Sooner Than Expected

Mark Halperin Is Getting a 'Second Chance' Much Sooner Than Expected

Three months ago, I wrote about best-selling author and alleged piece of shit Mark Halperin’s plan to slither his way back to fame and paying gigs by getting pals like Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski to vouch for him while simultaneously avoiding acknowledging the fact that he is accused, among other things, of rubbing his erect penis against a colleague’s leg.

Here is my May...

1 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford yesterday .

Like So Many of Us, George R.R. Martin Has Game of Thrones Fatigue

Like So Many of Us, George R.R. Martin Has Game of Thrones Fatigue

So many things I once thought were going to be life-altering good have turned out to, in reality, alter my life in ways that were either middling or straight-up painful. Becoming a writer tops the list, but also those Frito burritos from Taco Bell, owning a dress from Reformation, and the television series Game of Thrones. Turns out, George R.R. Martin, author of the series, agrees with me on...

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 18, 2019 at 04:00.

Saturday Night Social: I Am Horrified by the Unnatural Alliance of Pickles and Oreos

Saturday Night Social: I Am Horrified by the Unnatural Alliance of Pickles and Oreos

Oreos are fantastic. They are crunchy, sweet, but not too sweet, and just a tad salty. They make a fantastic topping for ice cream and contain so little actual food that they’re accidentally vegan. Pickles are...fine and currently the darlings of the culinary world. But pickle Oreos, Oreos containing a vinegar-soaked cucumber sandwiched in with the vanilla cream filling, are an abomination,...

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 18, 2019 at 03:20.

The Mormon Church Has Released a Guide Aimed at Protecting Children From the Evils of Coffee

The Mormon Church Has Released a Guide Aimed at Protecting Children From the Evils of Coffee

To prevent scores of Brigham Young students from getting all strung out on coffee, hopping themselves up on the java until they’re roaming the streets shaking their empty Starbucks cups for loose change to get that next fix, a youth magazine aimed at teenaged members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has published a handy guide for understanding which drinks do and do not...

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 18, 2019 at 02:30. 1 comments

The TSA Has Finally Fired Someone for Being a Jerk

The TSA Has Finally Fired Someone for Being a Jerk

We may have finally found the one thing that can get a TSA agent fired. Previous experience has taught us that roughing up cancer patients or scolding little girls is not grounds for dismissal for a TSA agents or guards. However, middle school-level taunts are apparently a bridge too far.

According to Newsweek, a TSA contractor working as a security guard at an airport in upstate New York...

1 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 18, 2019 at 01:20.

CVS Might Make It Even More Difficult to Get Birth Control

CVS Might Make It Even More Difficult to Get Birth Control

On August 15, a prescription birth control delivery service called Pill Club alleged that CVS is lowballing mail-order drug companies to the point where Pill Club and others may have to stop serving patients with CVS Caremark pharmacy benefits.

Vice reports that Pill Club is one of a few different companies that allow users to gain access to birth control prescription online without an...

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 18, 2019 at 00:30. 3 comments

Cardi B and Nicki Minaj Are Back At It

Cardi B and Nicki Minaj Are Back At It

Celebrity feuds are an excellent marketing tool: they provide a narrative arc for fans to follow, invite engagement, and garner interview opportunities during which celebs can promote their projects when they’re done shit-talking for their supper. But it helps when the two celebrities genuinely seem to hate each other, as do Cardi B and Nicki Minaj, who have the performative negative...

3 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 16, 2019 at 19:33. 1 comments

Eleven Percent of Millennials Are 'Always' Lonely, Which Seems Low

Eleven Percent of Millennials Are 'Always' Lonely, Which Seems Low

Millennials are great at killing things, but it seems we also excel at extending things, like loneliness, which experts believe millennials have extended well beyond its normal young adult duration, keeping loneliness alive well into our thirties. Do they give participation ribbons for that? Because I would very much like one.

Recently, Vice talked to some of the 11 percent of millennials who...

1 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 16, 2019 at 09:00.

Cheap Mrs. Maisel Gas Made Los Angeles Traffic Even Worse

Cheap Mrs. Maisel Gas Made Los Angeles Traffic Even Worse

Los Angeles traffic is so terrible there is no punchline here; the sentence is just fact. And very often, there is not any discernible reason for sitting motionless on the 101 for an hour, just too many people trying to get from point A to point B simultaneously. However, if you found yourself stuck in hellacious L.A. traffic today blame Amazon, bizarre promotional marketing stunts, poor...

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 16, 2019 at 08:00. 5 comments

Gigi Hadid and Tyler Cameron Have Entered the Road Trip Phase of Their Relationship

Gigi Hadid and Tyler Cameron Have Entered the Road Trip Phase of Their Relationship

We’ve already established that in August all the good celebrities are on yachts far away from the news cycle, leaving the rest of to suck popsicles in our hot apartments and find ourselves sincerely interested in what that one cute guy from The Bachelor is doing.

Well, he’s on vacation with Gigi Hadid is what he’s doing. Not too long ago, Bachelorette Hannah Brown finally saw the error of...

5 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 16, 2019 at 07:00. 4 comments

Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein's Alleged Co-Abuser, Has Resurfaced at an In-N-Out Burger

Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein's Alleged Co-Abuser, Has Resurfaced at an In-N-Out Burger

Jeffrey Epstein’s ex-girlfriend and alleged co-abuser Ghislaine Maxwell has been spotted at a Los Angeles In-N-Out Burger for the first time since Epstein’s death last week.

Police have saught Maxwell, who was thought to be in Massachusetts or England, for questioning in light of a new lawsuit alleging she provided “‘organizational support to Epstein’s sex-trafficking ring ” and procured...

4 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 16, 2019 at 02:00. 16 comments

Bernie Sanders and Cardi B Made a Really Great Infomercial

Bernie Sanders and Cardi B Made a Really Great Infomercial

The classic chemistry of the great infomercial hosts, like Cher and Lori Davis, is mostly a lost art now that Netflix has taken over our 2 A.M. insomnia viewing needs. There was a pitter-patter necessary for selling hairspray in the early hours of the morning, where Cher would say something like “Hairspray makes my hair too sticky,” and Davis would answer something like “Then do I...

16 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 15, 2019 at 23:15. 19 comments

In Defense of Amy, the Best March Sister

In Defense of Amy, the Best March Sister

A couple of years ago, I elevator-pitched my second novel as “It’s like if Little Women and Picnic at Hanging Rock were the same book.” I was only about 90 pages into writing it and, even as I said the words, not yet sure if they were at all true. So I decided I’d need to re-read Little Women just to make sure. I hadn’t read the book since I was a child but remembered the basics: Marmee was a...

19 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 14, 2019 at 01:52. 1 comments

Cate Blanchett Just Wants to Retire, Read Proust, and Rest Her Bunions

Cate Blanchett Just Wants to Retire, Read Proust, and Rest Her Bunions

Like the rest of us, Cate Blanchett is freakin’ tired and thinking maybe it is time to just stop for a bit.

It started with an interview in February, when Blanchett told Julia Roberts she’d had “half a bottle of red” after a trying play rehearsal and was mulling over the idea of quitting her day job to tend some chickens while reading a dead Frenchman’s ode to cookies:

“Maybe it’s just time to...

1 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 12, 2019 at 04:00. 17 comments

Marianne Williamson Believes in 'Redemption' for Former Bernie Adviser Accused of Sexual Harassment

Marianne Williamson Believes in 'Redemption' for Former Bernie Adviser Accused of Sexual Harassment

Marianne Williamson does not believe in depression, but she does believe in redemption for men accused of being fucking creeps. The newest addition to the Williamson team is former Bernie Sanders adviser Robert Becker, who was accused of sexual harassment and assault by a subordinate who says he forced his tongue into her mouth at the 2016 Democratic National Convention.

A staff member on...

17 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Aug 12, 2019 at 02:30. 17 comments

The Hilary Swank Movie About Hunting Republicans for Sport Will Not Be Coming to Theaters

The Hilary Swank Movie About Hunting Republicans for Sport Will Not Be Coming to Theaters

“The Most Dangerous Game” is a nearly 100-year-old short story about a rich person hunting human beings for entertainment that is commonly used to teach Freytag’s Pyramid to American seventh graders and is not very good but also not at all controversial. Killing humans for fun=bad. However, a twenty-first century spin on the tale has outraged Republicans who obviously did not do the assigned...

17 Comments

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