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Joan Summers Joan Summers Jan 16, 2020. 5 comments

The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidson's Breakup a Week Ago!

The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidson's Breakup a Week Ago!

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like Julianne Hough’s marital problems, Justin Bieber’s impending breakdown, Michelle Williams incredibly horny personal life, and the ugly fedora one Property Brother refuses to burn.

Let’s get gossiping!

Hot Gossip:

What would you do with $1 billion, and how far would you go to keep it? Tipsters claim the question...

5 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Jan 02, 2020. 6 comments

Happy New Year to Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott, Specifically

Happy New Year to Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott, Specifically

Love is pure. Love is kind. Love is earnest. Love is (generally) true. Love will fill your life with joy. Love will also overflow it with laughter. Love will have you lose your mind, probably. And most especially, Love will make you comment on your girlfriend’s Instagram post: “New Years Resolution...continue being the kinda fella you deserve. ❤️” Especially if your name is Jonathan Scott, or...

6 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Dec 26, 2019. 20 comments

Cardi B's House is Fucking Huge!

Cardi B's House is Fucking Huge!

I currently live in a 350-square-foot apartment, which is still rather large, all things considered. Cardi B and Offset, meanwhile, live in house that is equivalent to 64.2867 apartments of comparable size to mine stacked together like lego bricks somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia. In an actual city, wouldn’t that be an entire square block if you laid it out flat? I’m not good at math but this...

20 Comments

Dec 25, 2019. 18 comments

Prince Philip Looks Like 98-Year-Old Man He Is as He Leaves Hospital for Christmas With Queen Elizabeth II

Prince Philip Looks Like 98-Year-Old Man He Is as He Leaves Hospital for Christmas With Queen Elizabeth II

Prince Philip is not dead, just in time for Christmas. He’s left the hospital on Tuesday and will spend Christmas with Queen Elizabeth II at Sandringham House in Norfolk, England.

“The Duke of Edinburgh has today left hospital after being discharged by his Doctor and is now back at Sandringham,” Buckingham Palace said in a statement. “His Royal Highness would like to thank everyone who sent...

18 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Dec 19, 2019. 6 comments

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Ride Wrecking Balls Straight Into Divorce Court

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Ride Wrecking Balls Straight Into Divorce Court

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, an incredibly serious tabloid about incredibly serious things, like how exactly Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth plan on dividing up their many, many animals, or rumors that Tom Cruise boarded his Scientology spaceship to meet with Downtown Abbey actress Michelle Dockery for a sexy, Dianetics-infused holiday getaway. With the holidays ramping up, and the Yuletide...

6 Comments

Dec 10, 2019. 5 comments

Cardi B and Offset Brought in Priests to Help With Cheating Problems

Cardi B and Offset Brought in Priests to Help With Cheating Problems

In her (and 17-month-old Kulture’s) new cover story for Vogue’s January issue, Cardi B talked about how she and husband Offset worked through his infidelity. They turned to men of the cloth.

“When me and my husband got into our issues — you know, he cheated and everything — and I decided to stay with him and work together with him, a lot of people were so mad at me; a lot of women felt...

5 Comments

Rebecca Fishbein Rebecca Fishbein Dec 09, 2019. 5 comments

Miley Cyrus Got a 'Freedom' Tattoo, For Some Reason I Can't Possibly Determine

Miley Cyrus Got a 'Freedom' Tattoo, For Some Reason I Can't Possibly Determine

Miley Cyrus, who recently went through some relationship changes, went to a Beverly Hills tattoo shop over got the word “Freedom” inked across her knuckles. Huh. Wonder if that’s connected to anything ?

Really, can you think of anything that might have sparked this?

Theoretically, the tattoo is a reference to Cyrus’s new single “Mother’s Daughter,” which includes the line, “So-so, so don’t...

5 Comments

Dec 01, 2019. 15 comments

Brazil's President Accused Leonardo DiCaprio of Funding Amazon Forest Fires

Brazil's President Accused Leonardo DiCaprio of Funding Amazon Forest Fires

According to the leader of Brazil, America’s most famous Pussy Posse member has been b-u-s-y! Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro accused Leonardo DiCaprio of funding the forest fires that have been ravaging the Amazonian rainforest.

Bolsonaro accused DiCaprio twice of funding the wildfires, on Facebook Live and at a rally. From the Facebook Live, via The New York Times:

“So what did the N.G.O. do? What...

15 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Nov 27, 2019. 17 comments

Former Sad Boy Liam Hemsworth is Actually Doing Fine Now

Former Sad Boy Liam Hemsworth is Actually Doing Fine Now

After suffering through an Instagram divorce, navigating the custody arrangements of 37 different animals, and watching his ex-wife trample around NYC Fashion Week with the woman she left him for while the frozen yogurt he’s eating begins to melt under the harsh Australian sun—Liam Hemsworth is actually doing fine!

Elsa Pataky stopped by Australia’s Sunrise, where she was asked how Liam...

17 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Nov 22, 2019. 21 comments

How Weird, Kristen Stewart and I Are Wearing the Same Outfit

How Weird, Kristen Stewart and I Are Wearing the Same Outfit

There is possibly nothing sexier than wearing a leather coat. I know that an animal had to die in the process, and perhaps that is overly barbaric of me, and predicated on some ancient genetic leftover from when the human race was still banging sticks against rocks and hunting dinosaurs. And vegan leather can’t replace that sensation, mostly because it’s plastic, which is bad, and we should...

21 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Nov 19, 2019. 10 comments

Halsey is Not Pregnant, She Just Loves Pancakes

Halsey is Not Pregnant, She Just Loves Pancakes

Imagine: You’re meeting your old friend for drinks after years apart. You both graduated college with degrees in finance, but she quickly fell in love with a British actor who soon proposed. After the wedding, he asked that she move back to his home country, since he and his family were still very close. She’s said yes, since being an orphan meant she had no family tying her to America. Now,...

10 Comments

Justice Namaste Justice Namaste Nov 11, 2019. 18 comments

Constance Wu is Finally Free...of the Constraints of a Regular Paycheck

Constance Wu is Finally Free...of the Constraints of a Regular Paycheck

Somewhere in Hollywood, Constance Wu is crying tears of joy. After six seasons, ABC has decided to cancel Fresh Off the Boat, its sitcom about a Taiwanese-American family living in 1990s Florida.

After its renewal last spring, Fresh Off the Boat was in the news when star Constance Wu went on Twitter and Instagram to express her intense displeasure at having to return to her extremely popular...

18 Comments

Lauren Evans Lauren Evans Nov 05, 2019. 19 comments

Kaitlynn Carter Was Really Into Miley Cyrus

Kaitlynn Carter Was Really Into Miley Cyrus

Turns out the romance between Kaitlynn Carter and Miley Cyrus was more than just a brief spectacle orchestrated to feed the ravenous paparazzi—for Carter, at least, it was love. Bet you didn’t see that coming!

“This past July, I went on vacation with a female friend; the next thing I knew, I was in love with her,” Carter began an essay for Elle, alluding to her time yachting around with...

19 Comments

Lauren Evans Lauren Evans Oct 22, 2019. 20 comments

Miley Cyrus Announces She Doesn't Have to Be Gay After Discovering Not All Men Are Trash

Miley Cyrus Announces She Doesn't Have to Be Gay After Discovering Not All Men Are Trash

Miley Cyrus has, according to herself, staked a large part of her identity in being queer, and that’s fine. She was also in a decade-long hetero relationship with one Liam Hemsworth, and that’s fine, too. But now, in a live Instagram with her new boyfriend Cody Simpson, Cyrus suggests that maybe queerness is just a thing people choose in an effort to avoid shitty men? According to Cyrus,

“I...

20 Comments

Oct 18, 2019. 18 comments

Pete Davidson Is Single Again

Pete Davidson Is Single Again

If you know of any single brunettes ages 24 to 46 who are five foot eight or (much) smaller, famous parent preferable but not required, send them Pete Davidson’s way. Or tell them to hide, depending on how you feel about Pete Davidson.

Pete has recently ended his Andie MacDowell-approved fling with Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’s Margaret Qualley and is perhaps once again ready to mingle....

18 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Oct 11, 2019. 18 comments

Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are Locked in a Sexy Paparazzi Death Match

Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are Locked in a Sexy Paparazzi Death Match

Liam Hemsworth is looking for a fucking fight despite every news outlet—including this one—accusing him of moping around Australia this past month. It’s a nice change of pace for the Hunger Games alum! TMZ reports that he was spotted in New York City yesterday with someone named Maddison Brown, a star on the Dynasty reboot. Dressed in nearly all black, Hemsworth boldly held her hand in front...

18 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Oct 09, 2019. 22 comments

Sophie Turner Comes Out as Anti-Instagram Influencer

Sophie Turner Comes Out as Anti-Instagram Influencer

Somewhere an Instagram influencer has accidentally shit their pants after realizing exactly what the “diet teas” that the Kardashians have built an empire on actually do. Perhaps they choose to abandon the clearly unhealthy supplements, opting instead for more innocuous ads—like Crest White Strips or subscription boxes for pet clothes. They also could (and often do) choose to take the...

22 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Oct 06, 2019. 6 comments

Miley Is Moving On

Miley Is Moving On

Ending a long relationship comes with a lot of negatives: figuring out who gets the proverbial wagon wheel coffee table, that inevitable 3 a.m. text wondering where it all went wrong, all dating apps. But a positive aspect of suddenly finding oneself single again is using this feckless period as an opportunity to tongue kiss all the woulds in your life now that you are free to admit you had...

6 Comments

Emily Alford Emily Alford Sep 27, 2019. 19 comments

Miley Cyrus Is a 'Bratty Millennial' According to Her Mother

Miley Cyrus Is a 'Bratty Millennial' According to Her Mother

When I was 11, my parents paid many American dollars to buy seats for the family at a college bowl game. I do not remember how many dollars or what teams played because I spent the entire game reading My Sweet Audrina by V.C. Andrews, which I remember so well that two decades later I regularly recount its plot to my long-suffering friends while drunk. To this day, my parents are upset that I...

19 Comments

Joan Summers Joan Summers Sep 25, 2019. 4 comments

Sailor Brinkley-Cook Thinks Everyone Needs 'More Love,' Especially Wendy Williams

Sailor Brinkley-Cook Thinks Everyone Needs 'More Love,' Especially Wendy Williams

If you ever find yourself accused of profiting off an injury your mother faked so she could kickstart your influencer career on the nation’s leading celebrity dance brand rehabilitation competition show, the last thing you should do is run to the nation’s leading tabloid and give them a quote about how “unloved” and “negative” everyone is. You sound like everyone’s high school bully—even if...

4 Comments