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Billy Haisley Billy Haisley 1 hours 3 minutes ago.

Lionel Messi Pulls Off One Of The Worst Misses Of His Career, Presumably To Prove He's Human

Lionel Messi Pulls Off One Of The Worst Misses Of His Career, Presumably To Prove He's Human

One downside to being the greatest player to ever kick a soccer ball has to be that people eventually take your greatness for granted. It’s all well and good to be referred to as a god or an alien, but conjure so many miracles over a long enough timespan, and the effect of your otherworldliness starts to wane.

In response to this phenomenon, one such god-alien hybrid might intentionally mess...

Patrick Redford Patrick Redford 1 hours 53 minutes ago. 4 comments

Feast Your Eyes On This Unholy, Perfect Goal

Feast Your Eyes On This Unholy, Perfect Goal

Every soccer player probably dreams about hitting a ball as perfectly as Marcel Sabitzer did today against Zenit. Not only did the Austrian uncork this breathtaking outside-boot curler in an actual game, the goal wound up winning RB Salzburg a Champions League group stage match. Look at the devilish outside-in bend on this beauty and tell me he could have smacked this one any better.

In other...

4 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley 4 hours 26 minutes ago.

Manchester City Are Practically Invincible When Raheem Sterling Is On His Shit

Manchester City Are Practically Invincible When Raheem Sterling Is On His Shit

The thing about Manchester City is that they don’t really have a best player. Well, they do have one—Kevin de Bruyne—but the team’s structure isn’t the sort where everything revolves around one guy, where shutting KDB down means shutting down the entire team. Instead, Man City possess a truly stupid number of exceptional players, any of whom on a given day could be the headsman at your team’s...

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar today at 01:07. 5 comments

Suspected Olympiakos Fans Invade Stadium, Leave Four Bayern Munich Fans Bloody During U-21 Match

Suspected Olympiakos Fans Invade Stadium, Leave Four Bayern Munich Fans Bloody During U-21 Match

Before Bayern Munich and Olympiakos faced off in the Champions League on Tuesday, mayhem broke out during a match between the clubs’ respective U-21 sides in Athens. In the 84th minute of the UEFA Youth League match between the sides, a stadium invasion left four Bayern fans bloody and injured.

The Greek City Times reported that “80 men, many in motorcycle helmets or armed with clubs” were...

5 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar yesterday at 22:59.

Kylian Mbappé Is The Future, And The Future Is Now

Kylian Mbappé Is The Future, And The Future Is Now

Kylian Mbappé is faster than the wind, scores more goals than everyone except the man they call God , wins titles galore for club and country, and is already one of the three or four best players in the world. And still, the most difficult fact to wrap one’s mind around is that the guy is only 20 years old.

A 20-year-old is supposed to be one for the future. Because of that, it’s easy to view...

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar yesterday at 03:57.

Playing Against Atlético In Madrid Is Hell

Playing Against Atlético In Madrid Is Hell

It’s not profound analysis to say Atlético Madrid are good defensively , but Bayer Leverkusen were reminded of the one inexorable truth of soccer in the teams’ Champions League match on Tuesday: playing an away match against the Colchoneros fucking sucks.

While Atlético’s road games are often painful watches for neutrals—an already hyper-defensive team usually turtles up even more when...

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley yesterday at 03:19. 8 comments

Keeper Earns Record For The Fastest, And Probably The Dumbest, Red Card In League History

Keeper Earns Record For The Fastest, And Probably The Dumbest, Red Card In League History

Look at Konyaspor goalkeeper Serkan Kırıntılı here, just casually catching a ball while needlessly outside of his box a mere 13 seconds into Monday’s match against Yeni Malatyaspor, and in so doing setting a new Süper Lig record for the fastest red card ever. It’s hard to imagine a stupider way to get yourself sent off:

I don’t want to accuse Kırıntılı of any funny business, but if I did, it...

8 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Oct 22, 2019 at 00:13. 17 comments

The First Round Of MLS Playoffs Was Beautiful Chaos

The First Round Of MLS Playoffs Was Beautiful Chaos
Photo: Vaughn Ridley (Getty Images)

Every single game of MLS’s opening weekend of playoffs was a glorious mess. There were six matchups in the first round, and five of the six ended in one-goal wins; the one exception finished 5–1, but only after one team scored four goals in an extra time that the other team had forced with a stoppage-time goal at the very end of regulation. The wild weekend...

17 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley Oct 18, 2019 at 01:01. 18 comments

Oh Great, La Liga Is Trying To Bring A Regular Season Game To Miami Again

Oh Great, La Liga Is Trying To Bring A Regular Season Game To Miami Again

A year ago, the dipshits in charge of Spain’s top soccer league and some dipshits on the American sports marketing scene conked their little pea-brains together and came up with a 15-year contract that would see one La Liga match played in the United States every season. Because the parties involved are, as previously mentioned, dipshits, their plan to bring a Barcelona-Girona match to Miami...

18 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley Oct 16, 2019 at 20:59. 17 comments

Iron-Skulled Lad Scores Header From Beyond Halfway Line

Iron-Skulled Lad Scores Header From Beyond Halfway Line

I don’t care that this goal was only possible due to a goalkeeping boner. I don’t care that it was scored in England’s seventh division, where the pitches are much smaller than in the top leagues. I don’t even care that there’s zero chance the scorer meant to do what he did. Regardless of all that, Stefan Galinski of Basford United headed a ball more than half the length of the field and it...

17 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Oct 09, 2019. 11 comments

Germany Rose And Fell With Bastian Schweinsteiger

Germany Rose And Fell With Bastian Schweinsteiger

Bastian Schweinsteiger was three different players. The German superstar, who announced his retirement from soccer on Tuesday, is leaving behind one of the most peculiar careers in recent soccer memory. From a wide player breaking into Germany’s 2006 World Cup side, to one of the best and most idiosyncratic central midfielders in the world, and finally to his farewell run as a center back in...

11 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Oct 09, 2019. 9 comments

This Feels Like The End Of Tottenham's Golden Age

This Feels Like The End Of Tottenham's Golden Age

It was all so good just four months ago. Back then, Tottenham were in the midst of their best Champions League run ever, beating Manchester City and Ajax on consecutive last-second magic tricks and getting ready to face Liverpool in the final. What a difference four months can make.

At the start of the present season, Spurs have been in their worst form since manager Mauricio Pochettino...

9 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley Oct 04, 2019. 5 comments

Witness The Invention Of The Tandem Bicycle-Kick Goal

Witness The Invention Of The Tandem Bicycle-Kick Goal

Fans who showed up to Thailand’s pleasantly named 80th Birthday Stadium for Wednesday’s match between Nakhon Ratchasima and Buriram United were in for a treat when two Nakhon players executed a move no one watching had likely ever seen before: the tandem bicycle-kick goal.

Kitsada Hemvipat got credit for the goal on the scoresheet, which seems unfair to Leandro Assumpção’s...

5 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley Oct 04, 2019. 15 comments

Manchester United Are The New Old Liverpool

Manchester United Are The New Old Liverpool

It’s been so bad for so long that it’s time to stop worrying about when or whether it would happen and just admit that it already has: Manchester United have Liverpool’d themselves.

In big-league soccer, clubs at the most elite level are supposed to be too big to fail. Because of the open nature of the sport’s player market and the almost literally inexhaustible funds available to the 10-ish...

15 Comments

Patrick Redford Patrick Redford Oct 03, 2019. 21 comments

The USMNT's Brightest Dual National Is Suddenly On The Fence

The USMNT's Brightest Dual National Is Suddenly On The Fence

Recent USMNT debutante Sergiño Dest played all 90 minutes of Ajax’s 3–0 romp over Valencia in the Champions League today. Under normal circumstances, that would be cause for unbridled celebration, since Dest is just 18 years old and has already risen through the ranks of one of Europe’s best academies to assume an everyday role on a team that went to the Champions League semifinals last year....

21 Comments

Billy Haisley Billy Haisley Oct 02, 2019. 12 comments

Brugge Player Scores Two Goals On Real Madrid Despite Twice Doo-Dooing Himself

Brugge Player Scores Two Goals On Real Madrid Despite Twice Doo-Dooing Himself
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Even though Real Madrid have been ass all year, no one would’ve expected anything other than a comfortable win when the Blancos hosted Club Brugge in the Champions League today. And yet the Belgian team spent the vast majority of the match in winning position, thanks to two goals from Emmanuel Dennis, who somehow...

12 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Oct 01, 2019. 14 comments

OGC Nice Release Player Who Stole Teammate's €70,000 Watch

OGC Nice Release Player Who Stole Teammate's €70,000 Watch

Ligue 1 side OGC Nice released Lamine Diaby-Fadiga on Tuesday, after the 18-year-old admitted to stealing teammate Kasper Dolberg’s €70,000 watch last month. In a statement released on their website, Nice announced that they were severing their contract with the youngster over the theft:

OGC Nice and Lamine Diaby Fadiga parted ways on Tuesday. Following the theft of Kasper Dolberg’s watch from...

14 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Oct 01, 2019. 9 comments

Italian Youth Soccer Coach Fired For Calling Greta Thunberg A "Whore" On Facebook

Italian Youth Soccer Coach Fired For Calling Greta Thunberg A "Whore" On Facebook

Fourth-division Italian soccer club Grosseto fired youth coach Tommaso Casalini this week after he called 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg a “whore” who “can take a pounding” in a Facebook comment, according to Football Italia.

Here’s a screenshot of Casalini’s comment:

Translation: “This whore! A 16-year-old can take a pounding, she’s at the right age!”

Grosseto immediately removed...

9 Comments

Luis Paez-Pumar Luis Paez-Pumar Sep 29, 2019. 10 comments

Giovani dos Santos Carted Off After Gnarly Studs-Up Tackle Takes Out A Chunk Of His Leg

Giovani dos Santos Carted Off After Gnarly Studs-Up Tackle Takes Out A Chunk Of His Leg

Club América forward Giovani dos Santos was carted off of Saturday’s match against arch-rivals Guadalajara after a brutal studs-up tackle by Briseño chunked a part of his right leg straight off.

Fair warning, both the photo and the video of the injury are pretty fucking gross:

The tackle occurred in the 37th minute of Mexico’s biggest rivalry match, El Súper Clásico, with dos Santos going for...

10 Comments

Laura Wagner Laura Wagner Sep 27, 2019. 23 comments

Geoff Cameron Insists He Did Not Tell Fans To Wear MAGA Gear To MLS Games

Geoff Cameron Insists He Did Not Tell Fans To Wear MAGA Gear To MLS Games

This morning, a day after Deadspin published a post about an anonymous former MLS and former USMNT player who told conservative talk show host Jason Rantz that he hoped fans would “wear their MAGA gear to MLS games,” Queens Park Rangers defender and former USMNT player Geoff Cameron, who was not named or alluded to in the article, emailed me to clarify that he is not the player who made that...

23 Comments

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