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David Roth David Roth Aug 30, 2019. 3 comments

Andrew Luck And The Art Of The Abrupt Exit

Andrew Luck And The Art Of The Abrupt Exit

I’m not saying that you don’t want to get a text message from Drew Magary on a Saturday night. For one thing it’s easily the quietest way to interact with him, and it’s also a good source of breaking news if you are avoiding your computer at a time when a prominent NFL quarterback abruptly plays the Fuck This, Actually card and walks away from the game. It was clear, from the moment that...

3 Comments

Tom Ley Tom Ley Aug 29, 2019. 21 comments

The Colts Have Entered The Quarterback Pit

The Colts Have Entered The Quarterback Pit

If nothing else, the surprise retirement of former Colts quarterback Andrew Luck demonstrates just how close to the gutter so many solidly mid-tier NFL teams actually are. One day you’re preparing for a season with the expectation that your franchise quarterback will make good on those playoff aspirations, and the next sentences like these are being written about you:

The Indianapolis Colts...

21 Comments

Nate Jackson Nate Jackson Aug 29, 2019. 8 comments

Football Doesn't Let You Leave

Football Doesn't Let You Leave

Empathy isn’t one of football’s commanding virtues. You don’t play because you care about the other guy’s pain. You play because you want to crush him. Same goes for watching—either you disconnect from the consequences, or you can’t really enjoy it.

While Andrew Luck’s decision to retire has baffled many fans (and I include journalists here, because journalists are the biggest fans), every NFL...

8 Comments

Barry Petchesky Barry Petchesky Aug 27, 2019. 23 comments

Those Who've Faced Andrew Luck's Choice Know Why He Made It

Those Who've Faced Andrew Luck's Choice Know Why He Made It

The single most telling thing in the wake of Andrew Luck’s surprise retirement is the near-unanimous support for his decision from other football players. The sports shouters on your TV and in your Twitter machine can rail against soft millennials all they like, but the people who know what it’s like to play high-level football have, almost to a man, said Yeah, I get it. I absolutely...

23 Comments

Ray Ratto Ray Ratto Aug 27, 2019. 16 comments

What Should Andrew Luck Do With His Superpower Of Making Dumb People Mad?

What Should Andrew Luck Do With His Superpower Of Making Dumb People Mad?

I imagine Andrew Luck is thinking about a Senate run today. Nothing, after all, inspires dreams of grandeur quite as quickly as doing something personal and painful that makes America pick a side, twitch like a worker in a meth lab, and then scream at each other for a few days.

That’s a gift. Knowing that America is an economy based solely on bitching at each other, and doing something that...

16 Comments

Tom Ley Tom Ley Aug 27, 2019. 5 comments

Patriots Clarify That Bill Belichick Isn't A Big Enough Psycho To Have Missed Andrew Luck's Retirement

Patriots Clarify That Bill Belichick Isn't A Big Enough Psycho To Have Missed Andrew Luck's Retirement

During a press conference this morning, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was asked to respond to Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck’s shocking retirement, which occurred over the weekend. Belichick’s typically grumbly response at first made it seem as though he had been unaware of the news:

Upon hearing the words, “He’s a good player. I didn’t see that, but I don’t really follow...

5 Comments

Gabe Fernandez Gabe Fernandez Aug 26, 2019. 18 comments

Report: The Colts Aren't Going To Be Dicks About Andrew Luck's Money

Report: The Colts Aren't Going To Be Dicks About Andrew Luck's Money

For as many questions as Andrew Luck leaves behind with his sudden retirement , there is a fair amount that people actually understand about the implications of his retirement from a financial sense. Part of the sacrifice that historically comes with calling it a career earlier than expected—in addition to giving up future salary—is the fact that the player may be required by their team to...

18 Comments

Gabe Fernandez Gabe Fernandez Aug 25, 2019. 22 comments

Andrew Luck Walked Off To A Chorus Of Boos, And One Guy Yelling "Don't Do It!"

Andrew Luck Walked Off To A Chorus Of Boos, And One Guy Yelling "Don't Do It!"

News of Andrew Luck’s impending retirement must have surely been an absolute gut punch to learn about for any Colts fan, but, for some watching Bears-Colts in Indianapolis on Sunday, it also elicited serious feelings of anger. These emotions manifested themselves into the form of a shower of boos towards the second-best quarterback in franchise history as he walked off the only home field...

22 Comments

Drew Magary Drew Magary Aug 25, 2019. 22 comments

What Andrew Luck Means

What Andrew Luck Means

Given the circumstances, it’s remarkable Andrew Luck wasn’t playing for the Detroit Lions. The Colts franchise QB is retiring less than two weeks before the NFL season is slated to begin. There’s already a host of people, namely idiot Colts fans, ready to castigate Luck for his timing, but Luck is hardly the first NFL player to bow out of the sport in what ought to be his prime, nor will he...

22 Comments

Dan McQuade Dan McQuade Aug 25, 2019. 21 comments

Report: Holy Shit! Andrew Luck Is Retiring!

Report: Holy Shit! Andrew Luck Is Retiring!

ESPN is reporting that Andrew Luck just up and retired tonight. The season is just two weeks away! The Colts were playing a preseason game when the news broke!

After Adam Schefter’s report, oddly enough, Luck was spotted on the Indianapolis sideline chatting with teammates even though he is “checking out” of the NFL.

The Colts’ backup QB is Jacoby Brissett, who was already held out of...

21 Comments

Chris Thompson Chris Thompson Aug 14, 2019. 5 comments

Andrew Luck's "Small Little Bone" Injury Is Apparently On The Move

Andrew Luck's "Small Little Bone" Injury Is Apparently On The Move

The saga of Andrew Luck’s strained calf has reached the point where it’s time to worry whether anyone knows just what the hell is going on. Colts owner Jim Irsay identified a “small little bone ” in Luck’s left leg as the source of the quarterback’s ongoing pain and discomfort, which leads to all sorts of questions about just what the hell kinds of surplus bones Luck might have floating...

5 Comments

Patrick Redford Patrick Redford Aug 14, 2019. 11 comments

Jim Irsay Reveals That Andrew Luck Is Suffering From An Issue With His "Small Little Bone"

Jim Irsay Reveals That Andrew Luck Is Suffering From An Issue With His "Small Little Bone"

In an unwelcome throwback to offseasons past, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck has been largely absent from most team offseason practices and workouts as he has dealt with a lingering injury. This time, the problem is not his chronically borked throwing shoulder, but rather a left calf strain that he suffered in late April.

In May, Colts head coach Frank Reich described the injury...

11 Comments

Chris Thompson Chris Thompson Jul 26, 2019. 12 comments

The Colts Are Afraid Of Andrew Luck's Leg Pulling A Kevin Durant

The Colts Are Afraid Of Andrew Luck's Leg Pulling A Kevin Durant

Colts quarterback Andrew Luck has already been through several circles of injury hell, and lost roughly a jillion years of his career to a devastating shoulder injury. Right now he’s recovering from a little old calf injury suffered during the spring, but after joining the rest of the world in watching Kevin Durant’s calf injury become a career-altering ruptured Achilles tendon, the Colts...

12 Comments

Dom Cosentino Dom Cosentino Jun 18, 2019. 20 comments

QBs Are Getting More Expensive. Here's How NFL Teams Can Pay Them And Still Win.

QBs Are Getting More Expensive. Here's How NFL Teams Can Pay Them And Still Win.

Quarterback is the one NFL position that has seen consistent, top-of-the-market contract growth in recent years. This offseason, Russell Wilson and Ben Roethlisberger pushed that to new heights, with respective deals from the Seahawks and Steelers that average $35 million and $34 million in annual value, and which exceeded the $33.5 million Aaron Rodgers got last summer from the Packers....

20 Comments

Dennis Young Dennis Young Jan 06, 2019. 16 comments

The Houston Texans Are Pure Frauds, No Matter Who's Playing Quarterback

The Houston Texans Are Pure Frauds, No Matter Who's Playing Quarterback

Two interminable streaks were on the line today in Houston: the Texans’ unbroken history of playoff humiliations, and Deshaun Watson not having lost a game by more than one score since high school. The fragrance of ass that exudes from the Texans and Bill O’Brien was more powerful by far, as the Colts won 21-7 in a game that felt over by halftime. Frank Reich’s squad will have go on the road...

16 Comments

Gabe Fernandez Gabe Fernandez Jan 06, 2019. 21 comments

ESPN Doesn't Appear To Know What Happened During The Civil War

ESPN Doesn't Appear To Know What Happened During The Civil War

In the latest example of why things from the internet should stay on the internet, the Monday Night Football crew decided to talk about their latest online discovery: the Capt. Andrew Luck twitter account. For those unfamiliar, the parody account features an avatar of Luck’s face over a Civil War general and tweets things relevant to the quarterback’s season in the form of an old-timey...

21 Comments

Dennis Young Dennis Young Jan 06, 2019. 10 comments

This Is The Only Way The Texans Can Stop The Colts From Scoring

This Is The Only Way The Texans Can Stop The Colts From Scoring
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The Colts have a 21-0 lead and a ridiculous 20 first downs at halftime against the Texans, and it would likely be 35-0 if not for two plays.

The first came early in the second quarter. J.J. Watt tipped a pass that was eventually intercepted by Brandon Dunn. Andrew Luck missed a wide-open receiver in the end zone.

The...

10 Comments

Laura Wagner Laura Wagner Dec 03, 2018. 3 comments

Jalen Ramsey To Andrew Luck: Sike!

Jalen Ramsey To Andrew Luck: Sike!
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Jacksonville Jaguars corner Jalen Ramsey is a trash-talking phenom who is not here to make friends. Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is an affable weirdo who compliments opponents who sack him. These two personalities crossed paths early in the second quarter of today’s game and produced this fitting...

3 Comments

Dan McQuade Dan McQuade Nov 26, 2018. 2 comments

The Colts and Dolphins Turned It Over On Three Straight Plays

The Colts and Dolphins Turned It Over On Three Straight Plays

The Dolphins and Colts were cruising along, having a normal game, when they suddenly started to just give the ball to the other team.

It was great! Here’s what happened on three consecutive plays:

It started with Andrew Luck, who threw not to a player on his own team, but to the Dolphins’ Xavien Howard.
The Dolphins got into it next; Ryan Tannehill hit Leonte Carroo for a short gain, but Carroo...

2 Comments

Tom Ley Tom Ley Nov 12, 2018. 11 comments

The Colts Can Block Now

The Colts Can Block Now

Feel free to disagree, but the best highlight to come out of this week’s slate of NFL games was a moment from yesterday’s Colts-Jaguars game, when rookie Colts guard Quenton Nelson pulled into the hole and absolutely buried Jaguars safety Barry Church:

Nelson was drafted with the sixth overall pick in this year’s draft, a reach the Colts hoped would help improve their perennially dog-shit...

11 Comments

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