LOADING ...

This Ram 3500 In A Whataburger Parking Lot Is The Most 'Texas' Truck I've Ever Seen

David Tracy Dec 03, 2019. 11 comments

This past weekend, I drove from Minneapolis, Minnesota to Fayetteville, Arkansas, where I spotted the most “Texas” truck I’ve ever laid eyes upon. Sitting in the parking lot of the most Texas fast-food joint I know of, Whataburger, was a red Ram 3500 diesel armored with what I assume are standard automobile accessories sold at every AutoZone in The Lone Star State. Except this truck may have gone a little overboard.

If I had to describe the most “Texas” truck in the world, I wouldn’t talk about SEMA-esque, lifted, chromed-out pickups with huge wheels and wacky paint jobs. No, you can find those ostentatiously-modified pickups all over the place. What makes a truck a “Texas” truck is a specific blend of ostentatious mods with—and this is the critical piece—Texas pride. And this Ram 3500 really nails that recipe.

Start with a base of a huge Ram 3500, making sure it’s a dually (more wheels means it’s tougher—this is a proven fact) Laramie Long Horn edition, and be sure to have a set of literal long horns (with a lone star mounted to them) to block airflow from entering the front of the Long Horn. Then choose the CUMMINS diesel motor so you can brag to your buddies about how a truck’s torque output is all that matters in this world, sprinkle on a set of knobby tires wrapped around black aftermarket wheels, and then cover-up/replace as much of the chrome on the front and rear of the truck as possible with huge, black steel aftermarket bumpers (with well-integrated park sensors!), and throw on a front-end leveling kit.

Be sure to keep the towing mirrors flipped up even though you’re not towing a load, add a Texas license plate upfront and a “REDBULL” one out back (at least, that’s what I assume it reads based on the photo below), and then top it all off with the pièce de résistance: a set of truck nuts .

Literal truck nuts:

The result is the most Texas truck I’ve ever seen, and one whose quirks I actually don’t mind. The nuts dangling off the back are silly and could be considered offensive for a number of reasons that I don’t have to get into. But the rest of this beast is so brazenly truckish and hilarious, with just the right amount of Texas pride, that I’m completely on board with it.

It’s unnecessarily huge, unnecessarily torquey, unnecessarily brash, but its trucks like these that help define American car culture, for better or for worse. I think it’s for the better, but I could see the argument both ways.

11 Comments

Other David Tracy's posts

Here's My Idiotic Plan To Drive A Broken 260,000-Mile 'Holy Grail Of Jeep Grand Cherokees' Across The Country Here's My Idiotic Plan To Drive A Broken 260,000-Mile 'Holy Grail Of Jeep Grand Cherokees' Across The Country

I want to be upfront about this: My plan to fly to Colorado with two suitcases full of car parts and tools, repair my $700 “Holy Grail” Jeep Grand Cherokee’s significant mechanical problems and then drive the 260,000 mile SUV 1,500 miles back to Michigan all in a span of four days is deeply flawed. Chances of failure are...

Here's A Quick Look At The 2021 Chevrolet Tahoe Z71's Off-Road Hardware Here's A Quick Look At The 2021 Chevrolet Tahoe Z71's Off-Road Hardware

Truck Yeah The trucks are good!Prev NextView All Say what you want about the new 2021 Chevy Tahoe Z71 , but I think it looks good. Chevy was going for “ruggedness” (that’s literally the word in the press release), and I think they nailed it—well, at least from styling standpoint. As for actual hardware? Well, I crawled underneath the...

A truck loaded with ten mid-engine Corvettes sits at a stoplight just outside of General Motors’ Mil A truck loaded with ten mid-engine Corvettes sits at a stoplight just outside of General Motors’ Mil

A truck loaded with ten mid-engine Corvettes sits at a stoplight just outside of General Motors’ Milford Proving Ground in southeast Michigan. I wonder what will become of these machines. Will they get hooned around a test track by engineers? Will they be run through a rigorous dyno test regimen? Or will they somehow escape the torture usually associated...

The 2021 Chevy Suburban And Tahoe Are Getting A Duramax Diesel Inline Six The 2021 Chevy Suburban And Tahoe Are Getting A Duramax Diesel Inline Six

Truck Yeah The trucks are good!Prev Next View All The world has just become a better place, because not only are two of the most popular full-size SUVs—the 2021 Chevrolet Tahoe and 2021 Chevrolet Suburban —getting diesel engines, but they’re getting inline six diesel engines. And we all know that that’s the best kind of diesel engine, especially when...

Suggested posts

Toyota Teases AWD Rally-Inspired Yaris GR-4 Hot Hatch And It's So Good Toyota Teases AWD Rally-Inspired Yaris GR-4 Hot Hatch And It's So Good

There is a Yaris that the rest of the world gets, while the U.S. market is given a re-badged Mazda 2 . That means we are left wanting for a Yaris-based hot hatch. In those more fun markets it looks like Toyota is going to offer an all-wheel-drive model inspired by its WRC victories (including Ott Tanak’s amazing 2019...

Comment Of The Day: Driving School For Ants Edition Comment Of The Day: Driving School For Ants Edition

Comment Of The Day Your good comments.Prev NextView All How can we expect anyone to learn how to GT500 good if they can’t fit inside the school? This school needs to be at least three times bigger. Thank you to Stan and Steve Harvey Oswald for combining to give us a really really ridiculously good COTD win. It was...

Cadillac's Finally Ditching Its Flimsy Naming System Cadillac's Finally Ditching Its Flimsy Naming System

During almost all of Cadillac’s early history it called its cars by numbers, before giving way to the 1950s and the Coupe DeVille and Eldorado, and after that the Calais, Seville, Cimmaron, and Allanté, among others. It got rid of the names in the aughts to be more like the Germans, but now, as it goes electric , Cadillac...

A Tiny Rule Change Has Allowed Rotary Engines At Le Mans Again A Tiny Rule Change Has Allowed Rotary Engines At Le Mans Again

In 1991, a rotary-powered Mazda won the 24 Hours or Le Mans. By 1992, rotary engines were no longer allowed to race there. But for the 2021 season, 30 years after the fact, the organizers behind the biggest race in the world of sports cars have allowed rotaries back in.This doesn’t come with a big announcement. Don’t look for...

Lyft Has Found A New Way To Light Money On Fire Lyft Has Found A New Way To Light Money On Fire

Lyft expects to be profitable by the end of 2021 but seems to be doing everything they can to push that date back by launching a rental car service in Los Angeles and the Bay Area for as little as $35 per day plus tacking on $20 in Lyft credits for getting to and from the car.The Verge reports...

Ford Offers Free Program To Teach You How To Drive Your Shelby GT500 Good Ford Offers Free Program To Teach You How To Drive Your Shelby GT500 Good

The 2020 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 is so fast, guys. Zoom! Whoosh! Power! Speed! Acceleration! All that zoom-whoosh-power-speed-acceleration might actually be too much for everyone. So there’s a special Ford school you can attend and learn how to drive your snakepony car more goodly.Free to all owners of the new Shelby GT500, the GT500 Track Attack is a program...

The Pizza Guy Wrecked My Porsche! What Car Should I Buy? The Pizza Guy Wrecked My Porsche! What Car Should I Buy?

What Car Should You Buy The experts at Jalopnik answer your car-buying questions.Prev NextView All Ben had a Porsche 911 convertible that he got from his grandfather. He loved that car until an unfortunate incident with a pizza delivery dude. Now he’s looking for a replacement. It needs to be a manual, drop-top, and some kind of back seat....

Toyota Tops List Of The Best Used Cars To Buy In 2020: Study Toyota Tops List Of The Best Used Cars To Buy In 2020: Study

It’s well established that new cars are getting very expensive, but you don’t have to break the bank to get a quality vehicle. Pre-owned cars typically offer more value for your dollar because someone else has taken the initial depreciation. Our friends at iSeeCars have dug into previous studies that analyzed over 20 million cars to recommend the top...

IIHS Is Cracking Down On Headlight Quality IIHS Is Cracking Down On Headlight Quality

We may be going into the year 2020 as automakers talk of a future centered on autonomy and electrification, but in terms of the car technology we have in the year 2019, one is still severely lacking : headlights. But the IIHS wants to change that, and will try to do so by hinging its safety awards on quality...

Here's My Idiotic Plan To Drive A Broken 260,000-Mile 'Holy Grail Of Jeep Grand Cherokees' Across The Country Here's My Idiotic Plan To Drive A Broken 260,000-Mile 'Holy Grail Of Jeep Grand Cherokees' Across The Country

I want to be upfront about this: My plan to fly to Colorado with two suitcases full of car parts and tools, repair my $700 “Holy Grail” Jeep Grand Cherokee’s significant mechanical problems and then drive the 260,000 mile SUV 1,500 miles back to Michigan all in a span of four days is deeply flawed. Chances of failure are...

Language