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Antonio Brown And The Raiders Have Conspired To Ruin Every Goddamn Thing

Drew Magary Sep 06, 2019. 20 comments

Let us start with a hearty LOL. The Oakland Raiders traded for downfield savant Antonio Brown during the offseason, handed him $30-plus million in guaranteed money, and now stand ready to piss that investment away in the quickest, most Raiders-like fashion possible. Adam Schefter is now reporting that after Brown

publicly bitched about being fined by the team, freshman GM and defender of THE LIG Mike Mayock has seen fit to suspend him before the season has even begun:

This comes after Brown threatened to retire after being denied his old helmet/blankie in a hissy fit that was almost certainly both a planted Hard Knocks storyline and a shitty branding effort hatched by Xenith helmets/knockoff television sets. At this rate, Brown may never step foot onto a football field wearing the silver and black, which would prove costly for him (though he would get to miss out on a great many double-digit losses), for the Raiders, and for us as a society. All I wanted was to watch Brown snatch passes by leaping higher than the blimp stationed over the stadium and then leave secondaries to eat his cleats. Instead, I get this shit salad.

This is the worst of all possible worlds. I can point and laugh at the Raiders for prioritizing letting everyone know how big their dick is over winning football games, as they always do. But forcing Brown into cold storage means they’ll have made yet another headfirst dive back into obscurity, and shitty football teams make for shitty football. What’s more, Brown has only cemented his reputation as a relentless basket case who can’t stop Instagramming videos of him shooting himself in the ass.

And THEN there is the horrible sense of validation that Mayock just handed to mouthbreathing Steelers jackasses, who were already crowing about the supposed brilliance of their team being so utterly unable to manage their own players that they felt compelled to ship a generational talent out of town for virtually nothing:

DURRRRR THAT’S WUT YOU GET FER CROSSIN’ NUMBER SEVEN DURRRRR.

This is a colossal failure on like 17 different levels, and it all could have been prevented if football people had, for ONCE, acted like normal fucking human beings instead of acting like demented children. The season starts TONIGHT and once again the NFL and the culture it breeds has conspired to usher it in on the sourest possible note. This morning, Schefter and other voluntary NFL loyalists did their thing where they whip their football boners out on Twitter for a game that was still 12 hours away (I am guilty of similar hyping offenses). And now I gotta sit there while a team that isn’t even playing tonight hijacks Opening Night with yet another display of serial ignorance, aided by a

lunatic wideout AND by a disgruntled fanbase all the way across the country that ALSO doesn’t have its team playing tonight: one that now hates its own former players more than they hate any other opposing team.

Again, I can make like Statler and Waldorf and let out a hearty chuckle at this mess from the balcony. But the curtain’s about to go up and I’m still stuck in those same pricey seats. The show is still gonna go on. Not so funny anymore. Watch Oakland trade this motherfucker to the Pats. 

You people are all fucked in the head.

20 Comments

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