LOADING ...

Antonio Brown And The Raiders Have Conspired To Ruin Every Goddamn Thing

Drew Magary Sep 06, 2019. 20 comments

Let us start with a hearty LOL. The Oakland Raiders traded for downfield savant Antonio Brown during the offseason, handed him $30-plus million in guaranteed money, and now stand ready to piss that investment away in the quickest, most Raiders-like fashion possible. Adam Schefter is now reporting that after Brown publicly bitched about being fined by the team, freshman GM and defender of THE LIG Mike Mayock has seen fit to suspend him before the season has even begun:

This comes after Brown threatened to retire after being denied his old helmet/blankie in a hissy fit that was almost certainly both a planted Hard Knocks storyline and a shitty branding effort hatched by Xenith helmets/knockoff television sets. At this rate, Brown may never step foot onto a football field wearing the silver and black, which would prove costly for him (though he would get to miss out on a great many double-digit losses), for the Raiders, and for us as a society. All I wanted was to watch Brown snatch passes by leaping higher than the blimp stationed over the stadium and then leave secondaries to eat his cleats. Instead, I get this shit salad.

This is the worst of all possible worlds. I can point and laugh at the Raiders for prioritizing letting everyone know how big their dick is over winning football games, as they always do. But forcing Brown into cold storage means they’ll have made yet another headfirst dive back into obscurity, and shitty football teams make for shitty football. What’s more, Brown has only cemented his reputation as a relentless basket case who can’t stop Instagramming videos of him shooting himself in the ass.

And THEN there is the horrible sense of validation that Mayock just handed to mouthbreathing Steelers jackasses, who were already crowing about the supposed brilliance of their team being so utterly unable to manage their own players that they felt compelled to ship a generational talent out of town for virtually nothing:

DURRRRR THAT’S WUT YOU GET FER CROSSIN’ NUMBER SEVEN DURRRRR.

This is a colossal failure on like 17 different levels, and it all could have been prevented if football people had, for ONCE, acted like normal fucking human beings instead of acting like demented children. The season starts TONIGHT and once again the NFL and the culture it breeds has conspired to usher it in on the sourest possible note. This morning, Schefter and other voluntary NFL loyalists did their thing where they whip their football boners out on Twitter for a game that was still 12 hours away (I am guilty of similar hyping offenses). And now I gotta sit there while a team that isn’t even playing tonight hijacks Opening Night with yet another display of serial ignorance, aided by a lunatic wideout AND by a disgruntled fanbase all the way across the country that ALSO doesn’t have its team playing tonight: one that now hates its own former players more than they hate any other opposing team.

Again, I can make like Statler and Waldorf and let out a hearty chuckle at this mess from the balcony. But the curtain’s about to go up and I’m still stuck in those same pricey seats. The show is still gonna go on. Not so funny anymore. Watch Oakland trade this motherfucker to the Pats. 

You people are all fucked in the head.

20 Comments

Other Drew Magary's posts

And Now, A Modern Drug Deal Gone Wrong And Now, A Modern Drug Deal Gone Wrong

Funbag Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.Prev NextView All Today, we’re talking about drugs, buffets, shitty NFL stock music, and more.Your letters:Riley:Best weed smoking method: who ya got? Bowl, bong, blunt, joint, chillum, bubbler, apple, vape, boofing, etc?I do not know what a chillum is. Actually, I do not...

If You’re Defending Tom Brady’s Cheap Martyr Routine, You’re Fucking Pathetic If You’re Defending Tom Brady’s Cheap Martyr Routine, You’re Fucking Pathetic

The scene is good. In case you missed it, have a gander below at the now-infamous scene from the new Paul Rudd show Living With Myself where Tom Brady strolls out of a massage parlor: That’s a genuinely amusing scene. Brady can’t act for shit, but it’s not like the script requires him to do any heavy lifting. The...

This Post Could Give You Just The Spark You Needed This Post Could Give You Just The Spark You Needed

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here .Titans franchise quarterback Marcus Mariota lost his job this week . The immortal Ryan Tannehill will be starting in his place when Tennessee faces the Chargers on Sunday. Why is this? Well, it’s because Mariota is an...

What Is The Best Minimum-Wage Job? What Is The Best Minimum-Wage Job?

Funbag Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.Prev NextView All Today, we’re talking about napkins, doctors, baseball, stadium food storage methods, and more.Your letters:Jeremy:What is the best minimum wage job? My first job was a movie theater usher, and reading others’ experiences makes me think that might be the...

Suggested posts

And Now, A Modern Drug Deal Gone Wrong And Now, A Modern Drug Deal Gone Wrong

Funbag Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.Prev NextView All Today, we’re talking about drugs, buffets, shitty NFL stock music, and more.Your letters:Riley:Best weed smoking method: who ya got? Bowl, bong, blunt, joint, chillum, bubbler, apple, vape, boofing, etc?I do not know what a chillum is. Actually, I do not...

If You’re Defending Tom Brady’s Cheap Martyr Routine, You’re Fucking Pathetic If You’re Defending Tom Brady’s Cheap Martyr Routine, You’re Fucking Pathetic

The scene is good. In case you missed it, have a gander below at the now-infamous scene from the new Paul Rudd show Living With Myself where Tom Brady strolls out of a massage parlor: That’s a genuinely amusing scene. Brady can’t act for shit, but it’s not like the script requires him to do any heavy lifting. The...

Fantasy Football Man Mad Fantasy Football Man Mad

Oh brother, can you believe that shit that happened last weekend? In the fantasy football? With the frickin’ Cardinals? They really boned us, fellas! I know you know what I’m talking about! Gah, I’m so steamed! And so is ESPN fantasy football analyst Matthew Berry: Can you believe it! What they’ve done to us? This cannot stand!

This Post Could Give You Just The Spark You Needed This Post Could Give You Just The Spark You Needed

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here .Titans franchise quarterback Marcus Mariota lost his job this week . The immortal Ryan Tannehill will be starting in his place when Tennessee faces the Chargers on Sunday. Why is this? Well, it’s because Mariota is an...

What Is The Best Minimum-Wage Job? What Is The Best Minimum-Wage Job?

Funbag Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.Prev NextView All Today, we’re talking about napkins, doctors, baseball, stadium food storage methods, and more.Your letters:Jeremy:What is the best minimum wage job? My first job was a movie theater usher, and reading others’ experiences makes me think that might be the...

Crumbs At The Bottom Of The Cereal Bag, Ranked Crumbs At The Bottom Of The Cereal Bag, Ranked

(NOTE: Only ranked by how these perform in a bowl with milk. If you wanna use them as an ingredient in some nouveau dessert brittle, that’s a different list.)1. Crunch Berries2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch3. Cinnamon Life4. Honey Graham Oh’s5. Fruity Pebbles6. Golden Grahams7. Cocoa Puffs8. Frosted Flakes9. Apple Jacks10. Cocoa Krispies11. Oreo O’s12. Honey Bunches Of Oats13. Corn Flakes14....

Who Is Your Favorite Athlete Not On Your Favorite Team? Who Is Your Favorite Athlete Not On Your Favorite Team?

Your browser does not support HTML5 video tag.Click here to view original GIFGraphic: Jim Cooke (GMG), Photo: GettyFunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? [Email the Funbag](mailto:funbag.deadspin@gmail.com).   Today, we’re talking about getting eaten by a whale, state names as first names, typos, Hitler, butter knives, and more.Your letters:Kevin:When Ichiro retired, I saw a...

The NBA Doesn’t Give A Fuck About People The NBA Doesn’t Give A Fuck About People

The NBA already knows the math. The NBA already knows that whatever price it may pay for aligning themselves with the Chinese government against one of its own teams’ employees—all because Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted out a show of support for protesters in Hong Kong—will be nothing compared to what they stood to lose if they had grown...

You’re Not An Owner You’re Not An Owner

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here .I liked sports more when I knew less about it. Melvin Gordon ended his holdout and reported back to the Chargers before last Sunday’s win over a beached Dolphins team that plays football about as well as...

Dad Made The Very Sleepy Chargers Get Out Of Bed And Beat The Dolphins Dad Made The Very Sleepy Chargers Get Out Of Bed And Beat The Dolphins

The BlowholeWelcome to The Blowhole, a weekly column in which a lifelong Dolphins fan breaks down the performance of the 2019 team, perhaps the worst in NFL history.  Okay, so I can’t show you what it would look like if the Miami Dolphins played a college football team. But I can show you what it would look like if the...

Language