LOADING ...

So we're now arguing over how to cut a bagel, huh?

Kevin Pang Mar 28, 2019. 23 comments

Today’s jangling keys holding our nation’s attention rapt come courtesy of bagels. Some guy tweeted, and then someone else hit the retweet button, and then a few more did, and soon it became impossible to miss this photograph of vertically pre-sliced bagels.

As is the wont of humans, whenever an unfamiliar custom incongruous to our belief system is presented, we recoil, and as is the wont of the internet, the reaction did not match the outrage. Have you seen the comments below this tweet? I’ll spare you, dear reader: “No!” “Fuck you!” “GTFO!” “You psychopath!” “[Celebrity finger-wagging GIF]”

This is all very silly, because if you give five seconds of rational thought, cutting a bagel vertically is a great idea. Here’s how we reacted on Slack:

And then:

Ultimately, we see two advantages: 1) The ability to not ingest an entire or half bagel is a positive, unless you enjoy eating the density equivalent of a whole loaf of bread compressed into a doughnut-shaped mass. It’s for this reason we

prefer lox and cream cheese on toasted English muffins. 2) More toasted surface area = more crunch:

The Takeout’s official decree: This is good! Thank you, St. Louis (supposedly), for this idea. It’s a far better gift to the world than your goddamn pizza.

23 Comments

Other Kevin Pang's posts

Say hello to The Takeout's new Editor-in-Chief Say hello to The Takeout's new Editor-in-Chief

Today, the 692nd day of The Takeout’s existence, is the most exciting day in site history since Day 1. I am happy to announce The Takeout’s new Overl...

Confessions of an accidental food writer Confessions of an accidental food writer

The first time I formed sentences into what I’d consider food writing happened 15 years ago, back when I was a cub reporter at the Los Angeles Times....

The state of the plain fast food hamburger The state of the plain fast food hamburger

Your browser does not support HTML5 video tag.Click here to view original GIFGIF: Natalie PeeplesThe menu board at my local McDonald’s stretches acro...

Hey Alex Guarnaschelli, is a hot dog a sandwich? Hey Alex Guarnaschelli, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich?Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich?Welcome to Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich? in which The Takeout asks famous and important people to answer t...

Suggested posts

The Bagelrito is a literal hot mess, but it has a confidence you can only dream of The Bagelrito is a literal hot mess, but it has a confidence you can only dream of

In the 90 minutes I spent at a promotional event for Einstein Bros. Bagels’ new 2020 menu offerings last night, I heard the word “quirky” used three...

How acceptable is the amount of cream cheese on this bagel? How acceptable is the amount of cream cheese on this bagel?

Toronto Sun reporter Bryan Passifiume just wanted what so many of us want: a bagel that doesn’t skimp on the cream cheese. What his local McDonald’s ...

New Yorkers condemn Bill de Blasio’s bagel lies New Yorkers condemn Bill de Blasio’s bagel lies

Yesterday was National Bagel Day, and Bill de Blasio—New York City mayor and highly unnecessary presidential candidate—chose to mark the occasion by ...

The story of the bagel makers, the union, and the mob The story of the bagel makers, the union, and the mob

Hot LinksHot LinksWe spend way too much time on the internetPrev Next View All Grub Street posted a long and fascinating tale on Wednesday by Jason T...

Gizmo can reproduce NYC tap water for people who don’t understand how pizza works Gizmo can reproduce NYC tap water for people who don’t understand how pizza works

For the past year, a company called New York WaterMaker has been selling a specialized water filtration system to pizzerias, bagel stores, and baker...

Dear Philadelphia, A hole does not make something a bagel Dear Philadelphia, A hole does not make something a bagel

It’s going to be really, really hard to top KFC’s explosive doughnut chicken sandwich news , but Philadelphia cream cheese is making a bold effort wi...

Can poppy seeds really make me fail a drug test? Can poppy seeds really make me fail a drug test?

Burning QuestionsBurning Questions is The Takeout's Q&A feature that satiates your food and drink curiosities  Every few months, I stumble across an ...

Forget bagels, put lox and cream cheese on English muffins instead Forget bagels, put lox and cream cheese on English muffins instead

Rec RoomHearty recommendations from The Takeout staff.  Friend of The Takeout Drew Magary recently unleashed a Hot Take™ upon the world: He made ...

Apple will add cream cheese to previously pathetic bagel emoji Apple will add cream cheese to previously pathetic bagel emoji

There are just so many things to get in an uproar about these days aren’t there? Climate change, gun control, the upcoming midterm elections, and oh,...

Stop crapping on Cynthia Nixon—lox and capers on a cinnamon-raisin bagel tastes just fine Stop crapping on Cynthia Nixon—lox and capers on a cinnamon-raisin bagel tastes just fine

Today, the media decided to fixate on Cynthia Nixon’s choice in bagel sandwich fillings, because what better way to marshal your reporting resources ...

Language